Holiday parenting time causes more custody conflict than almost any other issue in New York Family Court, and it usually comes down to timing. Parents who may not be on the best speaking terms often wait until December to discover their custody order is unclear, silent, or read differently by the other parent. By then, the court calendar is full, tempers are short, and there’s little time left to fix anything.
This fall is the time to deal with it. Below, we cover:
- What to look for in your custody order
- The holiday arrangements New York parents use most often
- What to do if your order doesn’t address the holidays
- How to respond if your co-parent doesn’t follow the schedule
Start With What Your Custody Order Actually Says
Holiday Custody Schedule New York
If you are divorced with children and have a custody order or a written agreement (often called a stipulation or parenting plan), pull it out and read it. Don’t rely on your memory. Look for these four things:
- Is there a holiday schedule at all? Many New York custody orders include a detailed holiday schedule. Some don’t. Some just say “holidays as the parties agree,” which works fine until you stop agreeing.
- How are the holidays defined? Holidays can span days as opposed to one day and night. What does “Thanksgiving” mean in the custody agreement? Is it Thursday only, or Wednesday after school through Sunday? “Christmas” might be split into Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, or it might cover the whole winter break up to 2 weeks. This is the easiest place to start when looking to lock down dates, if they’ve been defined.
- Does the holiday schedule override the regular schedule? In most orders it does. If Thanksgiving is your ex’s holiday this year, it usually doesn’t matter that Thursday would normally be your day. Many disputes start with one parent assuming the regular weekday schedule still applies.
- Is there odd/even year language? Orders often say something like “Mother has Christmas Eve in even-numbered years.” Parents lose track of whose year it is more often than you’d expect.
Common Holiday Arrangements in New York
If you’re still negotiating a schedule, are planning to, or wondering whether yours is working, these are the most common setups in NY:
- Alternating years. Simple and easy enough to keep to. One parent has Thanksgiving in odd years, the other in even years. It’s straightforward and predictable, but it means a full year without that specific holiday.
- Splitting the day. One parent has the morning, the other has the afternoon and evening. This works well when parents live close together, as many do between Goshen, Middletown, Chester, and Monroe. It works less well with a long drive.
- Splitting the holiday pair. One parent always has Christmas Eve and the other always has Christmas Day, so each household can build its own tradition.
- Dividing winter break. The school break is split in half, usually switching at a set day and time, with the halves alternating each year.
- Fixed holidays. Some holidays go to the same parent every year because it makes sense, such as Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, or a holiday that matters to one parent’s faith or family.
Don’t forget the holidays that often get left out: Hanukkah, Diwali, Eid, New Year’s Eve, and the children’s birthdays. If a holiday matters to your family, it should be named in the order.
What If Your Order Doesn’t Cover the Holidays?
If there’s no holiday schedule, the regular schedule generally controls. Whoever normally has Thursday gets Thanksgiving, for example. That may be fine, or it may mean one parent gets Christmas every year purely because of how the calendar falls.
You have two main options:
- Agree in writing. If you and your co-parent can agree, put it in writing. An attorney can help turn that agreement into a stipulation that becomes part of your order, which makes it enforceable. Texts are better than nothing, but a court-ordered schedule is what actually protects you.
- Ask the court. If the two of you can’t agree (happens more often than you may expect), a petition can be filed in Family Court requesting the judge set a holiday schedule or modify your existing order. The court decides based on the best interests of the child, the same standard that applies to every custody question under New York Domestic Relations Law § 240 and the Family Court Act.
For more on how custody arrangements work, see our article What Does “Full Custody” Really Mean in New York Family Court?
Why October, Not December
Family Court doesn’t move on your holiday timeline. Here’s why waiting is risky:
- Court dates take time. After a petition is filed, it can take weeks or longer to get in front of a judge.
- Contested cases take more than one appearance. The court may also appoint an Attorney for the Child to represent your children’s interests, which adds time.
- A holiday dispute usually isn’t an “emergency.” Which parent gets Christmas morning rarely qualifies for emergency relief unless there’s a genuine safety issue.
- Agreement is easier with time. When parents aren’t angry and out of time, they are much more likely to settle on a schedule themselves.
File in October, and there’s a realistic chance of having the schedule resolved, by agreement or by the court, before Thanksgiving. Wait until December 20th, and you may be out of options.
What If Your Ex Won’t Follow the Holiday Schedule?
If it’s a schedule the two parents created without any court intervention, then you have to take it to court for a judge to set the schedule. If there is existing court order and the other parent ignores it, here’s what you do:
- Document everything. Save texts and emails, and note times and what was said. Keep your own messages calm, because a judge may read them later. If you texted your ex numerous times for days or weeks regarding the holiday that was your agreed upon time, be sure you save these as evidence.
- File an enforcement (violation) petition. Family Court can enforce its own orders. The court holds a hearing, and violations can lead to make-up time, changes to the custody arrangement, or other consequences. You may not want to “escalate” in this way, but if your ex is violating your agreed upon holiday custody schedule and ignoring you, there isn’t much else you can do but take it to court.
- Don’t retaliate. Keeping the children from your ex on their next holiday to “even things out” can hurt your own case. In serious situations, holding a child for an extended period with no legal right to do so can even lead to a criminal charge of custodial interference, a class A misdemeanor. This is a big mistake, to retaliate in anger by disobeying the agreemnt yourself. Your ex may use this as evidence against you in court, so remember to not act on anger. Remember your child is in the middle of this and let the court do it’s work, not you.
- Use police involvement carefully. Police can sometimes help with a clear order, but they are usually reluctant to step into custody exchanges, and a police call on Christmas Day is rarely what the children need. Again, stay calm and use the court system the way it’s designed to be used in these cases of custodial disputes.
When Safety Is the Issue
Some holiday disputes aren’t really about scheduling. If you have real concerns about your child’s safety during the other parent’s time, the situation is different. It may call for:
- An order of protection
- Supervised visitation
- Emergency relief from the court
New York’s approach in this area may soon change. Kyra’s Law, which is awaiting the Governor’s decision, would require courts to address abuse allegations first, before deciding custody or visitation. For more on protective orders, see Orders of Protection in New York: What You Need to Know.
A Quick Fall Checklist for Parents
☐ Read the holiday section of your custody order this week.
☐ Confirm whose year it is for Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Year’s.
☐ Confirm exchange times and locations.
☐ If you’re traveling out of state, check whether your order requires notice or consent.
☐ If anything is unclear or missing, contact a family law attorney now, not in December.
Talk to a Family Law Attorney Before the Holidays Arrive
The holidays should be about your children, family, and gratitude; not a standoff in a parking lot on Christmas Eve shouting at your ex. Whether you need to clarify an existing order, negotiate a new holiday schedule, or enforce one your ex is ignoring, acting early gives you the most options and is the best for your child or children.